10 Types Of Moms That Suck

Im not sure if you knew, but Im pretty much the best, most perfectest momever in the history of ever. I dont need to tell you thats sarcasm, right internet? Maybe? Eh. Is this satire now? I feel like I used to know what that was but I think I lost it somewhere along the way during my Wild Adventures in Blogging. People seem to have created this new, vague definition. Anyway, back to my perfection.

1. Language Police Mom

Firstly, that sounds like an awesome name for some sort of knockoff Barbie doll; you know the kind made of the same plastic they use for those KoolAid bottle-things that your cheap Aunt used to buy for you years after youd stopped playing with dolls? Complete with police uniform, perfectly curled hair and a baby under each arm.

Secondly, I appreciate it when people curb their language for children. Thats real nice and respectful, otherwise known as common courtesy. And yeah, it kind of sucks when some asshole (heh heheh, irony is fun) is cursing up a storm three feet from my perfect and innocent offspring, but hey, welcome to reality. A mystical place full of things that really suck; like people, for instance. As we step out into this land of people I cant control with a withering mom glare, I watch my daughters mounting confusion and horror. Those are bad words, she knows those are bad words because from time to time her mother says similar words and tells her those are bad words. I steel myself for life lesson time, usually by ordering more coffee.

Dearest child I begin cursing can be fun. It can be honed into a fine, enjoyable art. But, like many fun things in life, you typically have to be of an appropriate age to enjoy them. Now is not that age, nor will it ever be whilst you exist under my roof and I am legally responsible for your transgressions. If you happen to express such language in my supreme direction, I will personally ensure that I embarrass you in front of every boy (girl?) you like in the history of ever.

And lastly, its a moms job to protect their children, pretty much, but there exists this fine, judgy line between protection and total realistic disconnection. Remember Im totally perfect, here, so yeah

2. The I Buy and Make Everything Organic, Mom

Kudos, thumbs up and a big smack on the ass for you, lady, I mean seriously, that stuff is expensive. But could you maybe stop shoving it down my throat like that awful kale smoothie youre forcing your sobbing child to choke down while I hand my daughter some frozen yogurt? She aced another spelling test, get off my case, bro. Also, its a Saturday morning and my will is weak.

I make my kid Kraft Mac N Cheese with frozen chicken nuggets (I do heat them, by the way) sometimes, and I refuse to feel bad about it. I mean, its childhood we are talking about here, I only have so much time to nutritionally ruin her for life like my parents did. Its the American way.

3. The Youre Doing That, As In Everything, All Wrong, Mom.

I am all about the open mindedness and information sharing. No really, despite my hatred of kale, smoothie form or otherwise, I totally am. But I just really have a hard time believing there could be another mom as perfect as me out there. Okay, in all seriousness, all the kid one-upping that goes on here kiiiinda makes me want to strangle you with your really cute diaper bag. Your kid is awesome Im sure, but every time you have to explain how they are more awesome than every other belligerent two year old, you steadily ruin the chances anyone else is actually going to like your kid. Or you.

4. The My Baby is 57 and a Half Months Old, Mom

Your kid is not 20 months old; your kid is over a year old, maybe even a year and a half old, but for the love of sweet, beautiful baby Jesus, after a year, months should no longer be used to reference the age of your child. Thats like forcing complete strangers to do math the very first time you meet them, and thats grounds for irrational hatred. And I mean completely warranted, pure, unadulterated, but still irrational, hatred.

5. The Center for Disease Control, Mom

I love hand sanitizer as much as the next working mother with no more sick leave, but I need you to stop forcing it on me every 5 seconds. Do you want me to drink it? Would that make you happy?! Dude, we used to hold each others hair in post-apocalyptic bar bathroom conditions, can we just calm down a teensy, teensy bit? Mini you just shoved three pennies and a nickel into her mouth while you were death staring me for licking Cheetos off my fingers, youve got bigger problems.

6. The Always Super Chipper and Well Dressed, Mom

I hate you.

No really, I just hate you. Im 100% sure you sold your soul to Satan, or maybe Martha Stewart. Nope, dont even speak to me, I feel more disgusting and unworthy the closer you get. Im not even sure these Yoga pants are clean, I may have worn them to the gym yesterday, who even knows anymore?

7. The I Lost All My Baby Weight in 5 Hours, Mom

From time to time I enjoy playing this game with strangers at the gym where I say Im trying to lose baby weight. This is not exactly a lie. I merely see no reason to inform them my supposed baby is almost nine years old (how many months is that?). Not relevant in the least.

Also see #6 for further details.

8. The I Only Care About Being A Mom, Mom

Shhhhh, this is a safe place my parenting sister. No one here (okay, well, excluding the entire internet because thats just what the internet does) is going to judge you for forcing your kid down for an early nap because you wanted to catch up on the last season of Game of Thrones prior to season four premiering. Or, you know, to prevent yourself from being tomorrows CNN headline, whichever. All your dreams, hobbies and general sense of self doesnt have to leave your body at the same time your baby is expelled from your vagina, I mean they probably will, but you should at least fight the good fight. Is that what feminism is about? Thats becoming about as vague as satire.

9. The We Dont Use the Word No In Our House, Mom

And this only positive reinforcement thing youve got going on prepares your kid for reality how, exactly? My favorite thing to say to my daughter is no. I even say it before she finishes asking for something. Usually because she asks me for everything shes ever wanted in her entire life within the first ten minutes after I pick her up from school, but also because life is filed with a whole lot of no. Id rather she learned that early on, from me, than go skipping into the world expecting rainbows and unicorns only to belatedly discover soul crushing disappointment that is in no way positive, or glittery. Soul crushing.

10. The I Write Internet Articles about Other Moms and Its Super Hypocritical, Mom

Oh, well hello there internet, fancy meeting you here.

Suuuuuuuup?

More From this publisher : HERE

 


RELATED PRODUCTS
  • Learn How To Lose Weight, Even On A Busy Schedule While Eating The Foods You Love
  • Gives The Tools Needed To Lose Fat While Still Living Life As A Busy Mom.
  • Create an unlimited number of beer types by modifying the ingredients and their quantities
  • regserve is an application to download which will eliminate registry errors
  • Attract Your Desires, Live Your Dreams.
  • Build your own pergola that will add that perfect accent to your home in one weekend.
  • Simple step by step procedures Treat all types of hemorrhoids
  • Over 100 remedies from moms in different cultures from around the world
  • Best selling ebook on how to write any type of recommendation or reference letter.
  • Clickbank Ads
     
     

    UUUPPPSSSSSSSSS

    The content you are looking for is not available or you just .... misspelled the url.

    No worries I have some free stuff for you .......

    Nr 1.  You can learn about : The hottest social networking site that will send an unlimited stampede of traffic to your site - for FREE! How to quickly locate a swarm of hungry buyers using "information portals"! The fast and easy way to use simple images to siphon targeted traffic, on command! Learn how to get the most possible traffic from Instagram, and make sure that traffic converts! And much more ...

     

    Nr 2. It’s no secret… Facebook is an incredible place to get tons of free, viral traffic. But… most people are going about it all wrong.  How many of these mistakes are you making? Download the free report to find out.

       

    Nr 3.  Special free report .  It's called "Operation Midas Touch" and you can download it here...

    The report features a surefire method for generating at least $1000 per week online,without a website or product of your own!

    Nr 4.  Instagram is still one of the hottest ways to get a LOT of traffic fast. All by sharing images. Sounds easy enough, yeah? Well, yes and no. If you want to really start driving a lot of  traffic and making sales using Instagram then you should download this report.

    Nr 5.  When it comes to creating a product online there are so many ways to approach it. Wouldn’t it be great to just get the meat of it all so you can get started faster? Well, the good news is, today you can download a guide called the Product Creation Formula Quickstart Guide. It’s as the title suggests - a Quickstart guide. You’ll get a list of action steps to take right away. Download your copy today !

    Nr 6. Would you like to finally USE all of that dusty PLR you have sitting around on your harddrive? Or maybe find the resources for the best PLR available - at the best prices? What about how to use that PLR to make you money with just a few minutes of work. Well, you’re not going to want to miss this!

      Nr 7. Buzzfeed’s top post has more than 21 million views. Think about that for a sec… ONE of their articles has had over 21 million people who have read it! And they have thousands of articles... what would you do with that kind of traffic? A friend of mine hacked their method and was able to use it to get 11,592 targeted new subscribers in 2 weeks on their very first attempt!

    Nr 8. Push notifications are one of today's hottest trends in website traffic and conversions, and for good reason. Studies have shown that as many as 40% of people will opt-in for push notifications, which is about TEN TIMES the rate of people who opt-in for emails! That’s huge! Not only that, but they're also highly effective at pulling clicks, as well. Some studies have shown CTR at an average of around 40%, with highs of as much as 80%! Again, that’s huge!

    Nr 9. Would you like to know how to get more money from the exact same number of website visitors you’re currently getting? Even if you’re website is getting as few as 1-2 visitors a day, this report will show you how to increase your profits using these few handy hacks.

    Nr 10. People have now realised that it's not the size of the list which matters, it's the quality. ... and the only way to create a quality list is by launching your own products. Let it be $7 ebooks, $17 info products, $27 video training product or software's... all of these work. My good friend Kevin Fahey has is revealing how he's launched over 20 products in the past 4 years, many of them top sellers. Needless to say he's banked a handsome amount in this time.

    Nr 11. Do you ever feel that the man you like or even love, just doesn't see you or desire you in way you want him to? Or... maybe you're able to get a man's attention though not the right kind of attention? Or... maybe you're still single because you wait and wait for men to approach you first? What you may not know is that the way we flirt will either attract the "wrong" man for us or the "right" man.

    Nr 12. When it comes to getting sales and leads online, there is ONE thing that 95% of marketers use... it's called a LIST. My friend Jimmy just released a free book that explains WHY a list is important and how YOU can build your own list. It's available right here (and it won't cost you a penny)

    Nr 13. If you have tried everything, and still aren't able to get your Ex back, then you need to pay attention.

    Nr 14. What if I told you that you could make ANY woman WANT to do ANYTHING for you? Would you think I'm crazy? Well... what If I told you that you could also make her LOVE every minute of it and come back for more?

    Nr 15. I have a special free plugin for you today. It's called "Covert Hover Mini"

    This plugin will triple your blog traffic by compelling your visitors to share your images on social media. This is some really clever stuff and it works like a charm. After you grab your free plugin, don't  forget to read the free bonus report as it will show exactly how and why this strategy works like crazy.

    Nr 16. The days of being able to get away with a basic WP theme and a pic or two are gone, your site needs to look good. Even Google are looking for you to have engaging graphics on your site. But getting good quality graphics made for your site is a pain, AND it will cost you both time and money (if you outsource it). But I have a special free download for you today. A virtual treasure chest of over 21K profit pulling graphics you can start sing today to generate more traffic & sales!

    Nr 17. 20 professional full HD background videos. These background videos are perfect for giving your videos that extra kick they need to stand out from the crowd Oh yeah they are in full 1080p HD too, I hope you'll enjoy them.

    Nr 18. If you've ever failed to create a WordPress site of your own or typically waste hours & even weeks trying to figure it all out on your own....

    Nr 19. No doubt, you've seen all of the video launches lately! There is a reason for it... Video marketing is a GREAT way to make money, and with the recent creation tools making it super accessable for anyone to get started... It's no surprise that more people are making videos. However... there is a missing element to most video marketing products...

    Nr 20. For the first time ever... You can get the straight scoop on how someone is selling over $1,000,000/year of t-shirts on Facebook!

    Use them  .... and have fun !